Crocktown

"We are just ecstatic," says station manager Jordy Laforge. "Who knew that the Saturday Sillies was more popular than Saturday Night Live?"

Local media analyst Henry O'Toole says that although WVPT is on top, it's not because more people are watching. "Actually, their viewership is exactly the same as it was last year at this time. But other networks have dropped off precipitously." O'Toole says that more people are watching media online or simply finding better things to do with their time. But he added he doesn't have the heart to explain that to the folks at WVPT.

"They seem so happy, you know?" he says.

The most recent sweeps period from January 31 to February 27.

At WHSV, sources say management were offended that Dregner described their work as "short news stories that cannot provide a depth of analysis that takes more than a few minutes to convey." The station assigned its best reporter, Mikhail Hillel, to work up a story with interviews of numerous media experts and with Dregner himself, along with analysis of the mayor's potential conflicts of interest in starting a media outlet of his own. The segment ran for almost three whole minutes and was sandwiched between a 23-second story about the Broadway meals tax and a 25-second weather update.

The managers of the DNR have chosen to ignore the story, saying that if they don't cover it, it isn't actually happening. Managing editor Bort Backwoods says he does not expect the online-only publication to make much headway into the DNR's target market of 60- to 90-year-old rural misanthropes.

Ben Frinnegan of hburgnews is reportedly annoyed by Dregner's move and let it all out in Gen-X sarcastic angst. "Gee," he said, "I wish someone had thought of taking donations for an alternative news site and opened it up to community members who wanted to add content. What an original idea!" Frinnegan noted that he'd love for more people to take part in hburgnews and added that he's willing to run for office if that would help spur interest.

Sources from WMRA and WSVA also contacted us for this story, but let's face it: they weren't even notable enough to be mentioned by Dregner as competitors.

HARRISONBURG - Clerk of Court Chad Havens-Elwood says he is sick of all the liberal blogs in town, and is getting ready to do something about it.

After Democratic Mayor Guy Dregner announced the formation of Harrisonburg Times, the left-leaning answer to the Daily News-Record, Havens-Elwood said he was driven to create The Harrisonburg Post in response.

"Ever since Republitarian Morgan Rudes has stopped posting as much to his blog, conservatives in the local blogosphere have been grossly underrepresented," Havens-Elwood said. "The Harrisonburg Post will be the conservative answer to Harrisonburg Times, RockDem, Blue Rage, Blue Ridge Data, and hburgnews.com. We will be the source in the Valley for center-right news and opinions."

Havens-Elwood said that he has already assembled a group of 20 local writers who will donate their time, expertise, and money to do what some say the Daily News-Record is already doing.

But the Republican clerk sees it as synergy, rather than redundancy. "The DNR has some great editorials, but I'd like to see more opinion in the news stories themselves. People blogging for no pay can definitely make that happen," Havens-Elwood said.

When asked whether The Harrisonburg Post could present a conflict of interests, given his position as an elected official, Havens-Elwood reassures citizens that there is no conflict. "I'm not the one who's going to actually run the Post. I just like starting projects," Havens-Elwood said. However, he added, "Our courts coverage is going to be awesome. The Post is going to feature some sweet court case scoops."

The Harrisonburg Post is scheduled to launch April 1.

"JMU is a freakin' natural fit for me," Snooki said in a phone interview earlier today. "Besides all the students from Jersey (represent!) and what I've heard are frickin' GREAT parties on Port Road, the area around the college has lots of opportunities for me to let my hair down...that's just a figure of speech, of course."

Snooki said that in addition to her speech next Wednesday night, she also plans to eat at Cuchi Guido's downtown, buy a hot tub, and hook up with a "nice, juiced, hot, tanned guy" or three. She also plans to buy a jar of local pickles and make a side trip to Orange County, for obvious reasons.

Excitement is building among the sellout crowd, too. Fans of both sexes are reportedly planning to show up dressed like their favorite Jersey Shore cast member. Sally Beauty Supply says it has sold out of Bumpits hair inserts, and local tanning booths report being solidly booked until one hour before next week's speech.

"I love how putting in a few solid numbers can give even the fluffiest article the feel of a hard news story," he says.

"We're considering a couple of possibilities," says Director of Transportation Sandra Fulk. She gestures to a whiteboard full of ideas which she says came out of a recent brainstorming session. "Shooting out of cannon" is crossed out, as is "seatbelts on busses" (the proposed solution can't be more expensive than the status quo, Fulk says). "Giant rubber bands" is underlined, and "Star Trek-like teleportation" has a question mark after it. Fulk admits she's not sure if that one's even possible.

"Right now we're leaning towards walking," Fulk says, adding that would also enable the division to offer a PE credit to students who live more than four miles from their school. "The main roads in the county are pretty safe to walk along, right?"

Bumbaugh says people just don't appreciate the phone book like they used to. He argues that it's free, needs no electricity, and helps people discover new businesses they might not have known about. But after a run-in with an angry homeowner wielding a pitchfork and a smartphone, Bumbaugh began doing all his deliveries under cover of night.

The idea started with replacing just school custodians, but city leaders quickly realized that was only the beginning of possible savings. "Custodians don't make much money, so replacing them only saved a little," says council member Lucy Kong. "When we started thinking 'outside the box', we started realizing big savings. Our budget is almost balanced now."

As the plan currently stands, inmates will replace all city custodians, maintenance workers, clerical staff, teachers, firefighters, police officers, and the city treasurer. Kong says she is not worried about public safety since the inmates will be constantly monitored by guards, which she argues makes the public safer than the status quo: "Say a non-inmate secretary lunges at you; who's going to restrain them?"

Kong says that labor is by far the largest expense in the city's budget, and that using inmates on work-release programs means not only lower pay per hour but also not having to pay for benefits like Social Security, retirement, and health care. She says the likelihood of inmates trying to escape is slim, because it would mean them giving up a steady job, a mortgage-free dwelling, and three meals a day. "If anything," she says, "I expect to see more people trying to become inmates so they can be part of this program. This is not our first choice, but it's a way to maintain services in the face of major budget shortfalls. And isn't this better than outsourcing jobs to India or China? At least this way it's still Americans doing the work."

"I'm proud to announce that we are buying Harris Gardens, which will be renamed Marvin Gardens, and that we will also be buying a large section of Main Street, which will now be called Boardwalk," she says.

Balducci says JMU plans to put hotels on some of its newly acquired properties. She adds that they are considering the purchase of some city utility companies and railroads.

In addition to acquiring property, Balducci is also responsible for developing JMU's relationship with local government. Balducci is proud that she has earned several "get out of jail free" cards for JMU students who have run into problems with the Harrisonburg Police Department.

The work is lucrative. Every time she completes a circuit of JMU properties and passes through Court Square in her car, which she has nicknamed "The Thimble," she earns a $200 bonus.

"We've brought this up in the General Assembly again and again and we're not going to stop until it passes. But even when it does finally pass, we're still not going to stop," Grillbit says.

The pair, who have come to be known as the "deadly duo" in Richmond, want to expand the death penalty to other types of crimes as well, including assault and battery, drug offenses, speeding, grand larceny, petty larceny, and très petty larceny (such as stealing a pen from the post office or abusing the refill rules at a fast food restaurant). They say they don't want to allow the death penalty for all crimes, since some crimes (like tax evasion and ignoring gun laws) are actually patriotic.

Though they are divided by their party affiliations, the fourteen members of the Black Sheep, Donkeys, and Elephants Support Group are united by their common experiences of awkward interactions with people who are supposed to be their compatriots.

For a season, Heritage Oaks Golf Course is being repurposed as a "municipal ski slope".

At a Saturday birthday party for the show, attendants thanked Greg "Professor Blues" Versen for delivering musical tales of misery and fatalistic resignation every weekend.

"I think more people seem to 'get' the blues nowadays," says fan David Pinecone. "Although some people think of blues music as representing the experience of African-Americans in the Deep South, it is actually the precursor of country and rock music, as well as Rodney Dangerfield, Charlie Brown, the Fail Blog, and the Internet meme FML. Basically it made it cool to complain about how sucky life can be."