Fat Tuesday? More like Fastnacht Tuesday!

LINVILLE - While worldly throngs flock to New Orleans this week to celebrate Mardi Gras and Shrove Tuesday, some folks here in the Shenandoah Valley celebrate in a different, simpler way. According to Hannah Anna Waltshower-Druberschwarzen, head of the German material culture program at Kookstown University near Lancaster (Pennsylvania), many people of Pennsylvania Dutch ancestry celebrate “Fastnacht” Day instead.

This tradition came from the need to clear pantries of all sugar and lard on the “eve of the fast”, or “fast nacht”, in preparation for the Lenten season. As a result, women would make large chunks of deep-fried dough rolled in sugar. Unlike doughnuts, fastnachts were often made from potato dough and did not have holes. These treats became known as “fastnachts.”

Menno Rhodes, a local farmer near Dayton, says the tradition provides a more acceptable way “for us to stuff ourselves happy before the farming season begins.”

His wife, Miriam Beery Burkholder Brunk Rhodes, agrees: “Vile vee don’t alvays agwee wids de ways of de Englischers froms does odter churches, vee do likes to haf a gut time as much as anaboddy else.”

Mrs. Rhodes, who comes from a long line of Mennonite cooks, has been married three times. Her first two husbands died of heart diseases that she believes may have been related to her good cooking. “But, you knows, I sinks dat dis husband I has now is differnt caus his last name begin wits ‘R’,” states Mrs. Rhodes with a twinkle in her eye.

Mrs. Rhodes confesses that she has, in recent years, succumbed to modern convenience by purchasing the sugar-laden gems at the local Martins grocery store.

“I sinks der gut Lort unnerstans,” she says. But she’s not so sure what Menno would think. That is, if he ever finds out.

Thanks to Dutch Valley Girl for submitting this news item.

Winner of Worst Job in the Valley Announced

HARRISONBURG - For some, it was an honor just to be nominated. But Joseph Nardley went home with the statue.

At a star-studded gala, Nardley was announced as this year's winner of the Worst Job in the Valley. Nardley, who has been a roadside sign-holder for the last two months, was recognized for his perseverance in cold outdoor weather, his "chin up" attitude, and his resistance of the urge to commit suicide because of his crappy job.

"I want to thank God, my family, and my parole officer," Nardley said in his acceptance speech as he held the coveted Shovy award, so named for the famous Johnny Paycheck song "Take This Job and Shove It".

Other nominees this year included a truck stop janitor, a Wal-Mart cashier, and a guy who cleans turkey houses.

Russians Demand Equal Discrimination

HARRISONBURG - A coalition of local Russian-speaking immigrants demonstrated on Court Square today, demanding they be treated just as poorly as other immigrant groups in the city.

"Ve just feel overlooked by the people here," says protest organizer Andrei Chaparov. "Venever people complain about local 'invaders', they alvays talk about the Hispanics and sometimes the Muslims. Never us. It's not fair."

Chaparov says that local Russian-speaking immigrants have done everything they're supposed to do to draw attention to their non-American-ness, like speaking loudly in their native language while out shopping, segregating into their own churches and social groups, and keeping most of their traditions and family structures from their native lands. Yet, he says, no one hassles them in letters to the editor or glares at them in public places.

"Look, ve even have the same percentage of people who get arrested, but because the other groups outnumber us our efforts get ignored," Chaparov says. "Maybe ve do have lily white skin, but ve are aliens to this country too!"

Timberville Residents Concerned About Fluoride

TIMBERVILLE - Betty Crabtree was so upset about the water, she decided to do something about it. Crabtree is passing around a petition calling for her town to stop putting fluoride in its municipal water supply.

Fluoride, which has been added to water in most municipalities for sixty years, has come under fire for possible negative health effects including harming the brain and thyroid.

On a recent day, Crabtree invited a few friends over to discuss their concerns.

"We just shouldn't be gambling with public health," Crabtree said as she sipped a soda containing aspartame, which has been found to cause tumors in rats.

"I agree," nodded her friend Harry Barb. He then bit into a sandwich made of lunch meats containing carcinogenic sodium nitrates in between two slices of Wonder bread, which is made with potassium bromate, a substance that has been banned in every country but the USA and Japan.

"It's just wrong they would do this to us," added Delores Ham in between puffs on a cigarette. She blew a ring looking like a zero and said, "That's how many potentially dangerous chemicals SHOULD be in our water."

Teachers Fired, Rehired to Build Administrative Offices

HARRISONBURG - Some local teachers will be trading in their teachers' edition textbooks for hardhats in the coming months. At a morning press conference, Harrisonburg Superintendent Daniel Fjord announced that budget cuts are going to force the district to lay off approximately thirty teachers, but that most of those same teachers will be rehired as construction workers to build the school division's planned administrative building.

Fjord say that the operational budget and the capital budget have completely different funding streams. Even though the operational budget is being hit by reduced contributions from the state government, the capital budget will see an injection of funds from federal money.

Mary Kline, a 46-year-old kindergarten teacher, is one of those who will be changing careers. She says she's never done construction work before but is up for the challenge. She's been making flashcards to familiarize herself with the various tools of the trade and has created numerous mnemonic ditties to remember important facts about construction.

"We never like to do things that hurt the classroom experience of children. But at least this won't affect the unemployment rate," Fjord noted.